How to spot a money cheater

As many as one in three couples have dealt with financial infidelity in their relationships. In this edited extract from her book, Stop Worrying about Money, Jacqui Clarke reveals the financial infidelity red flags to watch out for and shares her tips on what to do if you spot a money cheater. 

Financial infidelity feels as bad as it sounds and is a leading cause of relationship breakdown and divorce. In its most basic form, financial infidelity (or money cheating) is when one partner lies about money – whether it’s about how much they earn, how much debt they have or something else money-related.

Beware the warning signs

Many households have become dual breadwinners over the past couple of decades, meaning people earn independent incomes and possibly have separate bank accounts, which has blurred the spending lines. Spending habits can be well hidden.

It can start with the little things. Your partner buying small indulgences online such as clothing or accessories without telling you. Those impulse buys can be harmless but they can also cause trust issues, especially when they disrupt the household budget.

You might even agree to let your partner deal with the money matters for both of you. With your partner in charge of managing the household outgoings, it makes it relatively easy for them to keep their spending secret.

Money lies take several forms, but most commonly they are:

• secretive purchases (buying stuff)
• secretive spending (like gambling)
• frivolous spending
• hiding debts
• dishonesty about income
• secret bank accounts

Don’t be the victim of your own complacency in a relationship. Taking responsibility for your financial health is good for your well-being. Delegating money matters comes with risks.

How to spot a money cheater

There are a number of warning signs that your partner may be a money cheater. Here are the financial infidelity red flags to watch out for:

• new credit card statements that you know nothing about
• new bank accounts that you know nothing about
• new items appearing in your house that you didn’t buy or see on a statement somewhere
• frequent packages arriving at home addressed to your partner
• new passwords
• unwillingness to discuss money matters
• your partner’s behaviour when you raise money doesn’t pass the smell test (i.e. it doesn’t seem authentic to you)
• your partner making money decisions without consulting you
• your partner being paranoid about you opening the mail.

What if you spot a money cheater in your household?

It can be upsetting at first to discover that your partner is a money cheater. You are likely to feel betrayed and angry. Planning to raise the issue will be really stressful, but there are three critical steps you can take:

1. Ask, listen and support

The first step is to ask your partner to come clean on their money lies. Be curious and listen. You might discover that your partner has avoided sharing their spending with you – they might be embarrassed or they might feel judged or ashamed. This is not an excuse, but it’s helpful to know and understand where they are at.

2. Get help

Your partner might need some help (from a professional) to address their spending. It’s likely the spending has escalated over time for them. In planning a way forward together you might like to reaffirm your views about money and trust in a relationship as a starting point and then work towards jointly striving for complete transparency about money and spending going forward.

3. Reconcile the steps forward

We know financial infidelity is likely to reduce or destroy your trust in your partner. Reconciling ‘cheating’ and dishonesty may be difficult, and it could be worthwhile considering getting counselling to help you work through this with your partner.

How to avoid financial infidelity happening to you

The best way of addressing any kind of money cheating is to avoid it from the get-go. There are some really simple things you can do in your relationship to maintain honesty and trust on a regular basis when it comes to financial matters.

Here are some tips:

• Set regular times to catch up with your partner to discuss spending.
• Make talking about money more normal in your house (for example, talk about your bank balance, who is paying a bill or what bills you’ve just paid, what you’d like to buy and how you plan to buy it, what your plans are for your savings, how your super fund is performing and so on).
• Check in on your money goals together. Look over them and make sure you are on the same page.
• Add someone to your personal finance village to help with this, such as an accountant or financial adviser who can independently sit down with you and your partner to support open money discussions.
• Enable ‘safe’ confessions. Allow yourselves the opportunity to come clean on spending and work out how best to address this going forward.
• Don’t delegate your household money matters to your partner entirely.
• Up your game and continue to build your financial literacy.
• Don’t let any difference in income make you feel uncomfortable. While this is common, creating financial goals together so that you are both aligned, as well as recognising the other contributions you make to the relationship, solves this.
• Always feel empowered to ask money questions. There is no such thing as a stupid question. The more you make money conversations the norm in your home, the better. If you’re in doubt, do some research and then ask questions.
• Agree to make equal contributions to separate accounts so that you can indulge a little without recrimination.

This is an edited extract from Stop Worrying about Money (Wiley RRP $29.95), republished with permission.

Cover image source: Just Life/Shutterstock.com